The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
>
> Dear Vincent,
> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
> to plant my tomato garden this year.
> I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
> If you were here my troubles would be over.
> I know you would dig the plot for me.
> Love Dad
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>
> Dear Dad,
> Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
> That's where I buried the BODIES.
> Love Vinnie
>
> At 4 a.m. the next morning,
> FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
> up the entire area without finding any bodies.
> They apologized to the old man and left.
>
> That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
>
> Dear Dad,
> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
> That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
> Love Vinnie

Baby Monkey

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Making Cakes

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."

The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"

Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."

The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."

Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"

She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

A Perfect Diet

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting Th Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.