I promise you hand on heart that I’ve been looking around desperately for something positive to write about. I’m fed up with all the doom and gloom. Unfortunately these days it’s becoming more and more of an impossible task to find good news. Stratford and surrounding areas (e.g. the whole country) appear to be locked in an ongoing battle with the forces of darkness.
In a desperate effort to find something, anything, to make me smile I read The Herald (I wish no other Herald blah blah blah blah blah) from cover to cover. Twice. Nothing. Not even the combined monikers of le Vack and Witts raised a titter. God forbid that the sparkle should fade from even those hallowed pages.
Oh well, in for a penny…and in keeping with the dark mood…
I was shocked and horrified to read that violent crime across leafy Warwickshire has risen by 49 percent in the first six months of this year. Now, when I was at school, maths and especially percentages were a long way down the importance ladder but correct me if I’m wrong but 49 percent? That’s nearly half isn’t it? 49 percent? Stone me. In six months? What the hell’s going on I ask myself? I ought to underline the fact that the violence we’re talking about here is the real stuff and not the usual turnip throwing and cudgel prodding that goes on in Stratford Town Centre as a matter of course.
Lets have a look at some figures…
Robberies 238, Public disorder (Mother!) and violence in public places 3,698 incidents. Of which 11.6 percent were GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm or more serious). Surely some mistake? These must be the figures for the Bronx? And then…and then as if to underline these dreadful facts and figures a report on a particularly disgusting act of mass hooliganism last weekend and outside of all places Bill’s Birthplace in Henley Street…French and English fight in Street (under Local News).
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Mission Statement.
‘The force’s focus is on catching more criminals and bringing them to justice….’
Assistant Chief Constable Bob Golding.
Well that's a relief Bob. I was beginning to wonder...
Friday, December 05, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
STOP PRESS, HOLD THE FRONT PAGE (and all other such sayings)
UPSIDE.
As I write Stratford upon Avon Council are delivering Enormous green Wheelie Bins to all residents!
(Collapses in amazement).
DOWNSIDE.
For garden waste only.
A prayer for The Chief Executive.
Oh God...
We thank you for Our Lord Lankaster.
For his insight and wisdom in all matters recycling we give praise.
We thank him for the provision of One Large Green Wheelie Bin for garden waste only
and ask that he may see fit to provide more than one black plastic bag for the disposal of household rubbish.
We pray also that he may put the remainder of my One Thousand Pounds Council Tax to further good use.
In your mercy hear our prayer.
UPSIDE.
As I write Stratford upon Avon Council are delivering Enormous green Wheelie Bins to all residents!
(Collapses in amazement).
DOWNSIDE.
For garden waste only.
A prayer for The Chief Executive.
Oh God...
We thank you for Our Lord Lankaster.
For his insight and wisdom in all matters recycling we give praise.
We thank him for the provision of One Large Green Wheelie Bin for garden waste only
and ask that he may see fit to provide more than one black plastic bag for the disposal of household rubbish.
We pray also that he may put the remainder of my One Thousand Pounds Council Tax to further good use.
In your mercy hear our prayer.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Timetable of Entertainment
4.00pm The Mayor, Town Clerk, The Beadle and Macebearers arrive at the Town Hall.
4.10pm School Choirs and members of the Town Council assemble.
4.25pm The Civic Party assembles on the Town Hall steps.
4.30pm Welcome and introduction to the Christmas Lights Switch on.
Christmas Carols and prayers
4.40pm The Consort and Paddington Bear switches on the lights.
4.50pm The Civic Party, Choirs and children process along the High Street, round Market Cross traffic island and back to the Town Hall. Coffee and mince pies will be served.
PS. I've just been told by one of my team of elves that Council employees are at this very moment erecting the Stratford street lighting.
Which reminds me....How many Stratford Council employees does it take to change a light bulb...?
4.10pm School Choirs and members of the Town Council assemble.
4.25pm The Civic Party assembles on the Town Hall steps.
4.30pm Welcome and introduction to the Christmas Lights Switch on.
Christmas Carols and prayers
4.40pm The Consort and Paddington Bear switches on the lights.
4.50pm The Civic Party, Choirs and children process along the High Street, round Market Cross traffic island and back to the Town Hall. Coffee and mince pies will be served.
PS. I've just been told by one of my team of elves that Council employees are at this very moment erecting the Stratford street lighting.
Which reminds me....How many Stratford Council employees does it take to change a light bulb...?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Ho, bloody, Ho...
Christmas is always a good time in Stratford. By good I mean weird and that’s good because I enjoy weird, especially at Christmas. It brightens up what can be a long and tortuous holiday. In Stratford it’s after the celebrations when it all turns nasty. After the pudding (so to speak) when the recriminations start.
You can forget all that goodwill towards all men stuff, Post-Christmas in Stratford usually ends up a battleground of angry shopkeepers all blaming various arms of the dear old Town Council for causing a black hole in their expected profits. One year the Town Council got it in the neck for closing off one of the main streets (Bridge Street) for Carol singing! According to many of the traders this caused a drop in income because people i.e. customers weren’t able to park their cars and had to (wait for it)…walk, which in turn caused them to shop elsewhere. For once I felt sorry for the Town Council.
Every year they try to do the right thing. And every year it just doesn’t seem to come off. No matter how great the efforts they make to light up the Town in the appropriate manner someone, somewhere cries…Bah Humbug. Mind you, sometimes one can’t help but wonder at the methods used to ensure everyone enjoys themselves.
Take the efforts of the mysterious organisation ‘The Christmas Lights Committee’.
An unhappy body of men and women whose sole purpose is to raise the much needed dosh to literally light up the Town. Unfortunately, after the light comes the darkness. Threats from The Christmas Lights Committee to ‘name and shame’ those stores who didn’t donate to the fund doesn’t really help. One year there was even talk of not illuminating those areas where the shops who didn’t contribute operated from. And so it goes on. The excitement mounts. And talking of excitement, I’ve managed to find the programme for Christmas 1998, a vintage year I’m sure you’ll agree. I can’t wait to see who they get to switch on the lights this Christmas.
You can forget all that goodwill towards all men stuff, Post-Christmas in Stratford usually ends up a battleground of angry shopkeepers all blaming various arms of the dear old Town Council for causing a black hole in their expected profits. One year the Town Council got it in the neck for closing off one of the main streets (Bridge Street) for Carol singing! According to many of the traders this caused a drop in income because people i.e. customers weren’t able to park their cars and had to (wait for it)…walk, which in turn caused them to shop elsewhere. For once I felt sorry for the Town Council.
Every year they try to do the right thing. And every year it just doesn’t seem to come off. No matter how great the efforts they make to light up the Town in the appropriate manner someone, somewhere cries…Bah Humbug. Mind you, sometimes one can’t help but wonder at the methods used to ensure everyone enjoys themselves.
Take the efforts of the mysterious organisation ‘The Christmas Lights Committee’.
An unhappy body of men and women whose sole purpose is to raise the much needed dosh to literally light up the Town. Unfortunately, after the light comes the darkness. Threats from The Christmas Lights Committee to ‘name and shame’ those stores who didn’t donate to the fund doesn’t really help. One year there was even talk of not illuminating those areas where the shops who didn’t contribute operated from. And so it goes on. The excitement mounts. And talking of excitement, I’ve managed to find the programme for Christmas 1998, a vintage year I’m sure you’ll agree. I can’t wait to see who they get to switch on the lights this Christmas.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The CockingsGate affair
I must admit that at times living in Stratford makes me wonder what rabbit hole I fell down and when. Just a quick glance (often the best way) through the Weakly Herald (Today’s news-Tomorrow’s fish ‘n chip paper) is enough to send you reeling in disbelief at the sheer horror of daily life in Shakespeare Country.
Take the CockingsGate affair for instance.
As far as I can gather and to cut a long on-going saga short, what we have here is a Town Councillor who appears very much against further building in beautiful uptown Shottery (where he lives and Anne Hathaway lived too. Not together I hasten to add) . Which is great. I couldn’t agree more. However, and as they say, the plot thickens…it seems he has actually applied to the appropriate planning authorities to knock down his own bungalow (sawn-off house), so that he can build three brand-spanking-new 4 bed-roomed properties on the land.
(Deep breath…aaaand relax…)
As if that weren’t baffling enough, tonight (and this is where it gets difficult) the Stratford Planning Committee, who will decide if the Cockings boy can go ahead with his (some might say) dastardly plan and which by the way has himself as a member (you still with me), meet to decide if the very fact that they know (not in the biblical sense of course) Councillor Cockings would mean that they would have to declare an interest. They then (not necessarily in this order) have to decide (writes the magnificently named Preston Witts) what actually declaring an interest will incur. For example (nearly finished) if declaring an interest means that they have to withdraw from making a decision re Cockings proposal, will there be enough members left (a quorum) in a position to make a decision anyway…aaagh!
Anyway, enough of this rubbish. I’m just looking forward to tomorrow and the demonstration of Tea Bag folding at the new craft store just opened in Stratford. Actually I’m not sure if you have to provide your own tea bags? And what about those ones with string attached? Do they count? Blurgle-blum-biddledum-boddle….
Pills…left-hand pocket…quick…too late...I am a tea pot.
Take the CockingsGate affair for instance.
As far as I can gather and to cut a long on-going saga short, what we have here is a Town Councillor who appears very much against further building in beautiful uptown Shottery (where he lives and Anne Hathaway lived too. Not together I hasten to add) . Which is great. I couldn’t agree more. However, and as they say, the plot thickens…it seems he has actually applied to the appropriate planning authorities to knock down his own bungalow (sawn-off house), so that he can build three brand-spanking-new 4 bed-roomed properties on the land.
(Deep breath…aaaand relax…)
As if that weren’t baffling enough, tonight (and this is where it gets difficult) the Stratford Planning Committee, who will decide if the Cockings boy can go ahead with his (some might say) dastardly plan and which by the way has himself as a member (you still with me), meet to decide if the very fact that they know (not in the biblical sense of course) Councillor Cockings would mean that they would have to declare an interest. They then (not necessarily in this order) have to decide (writes the magnificently named Preston Witts) what actually declaring an interest will incur. For example (nearly finished) if declaring an interest means that they have to withdraw from making a decision re Cockings proposal, will there be enough members left (a quorum) in a position to make a decision anyway…aaagh!
Anyway, enough of this rubbish. I’m just looking forward to tomorrow and the demonstration of Tea Bag folding at the new craft store just opened in Stratford. Actually I’m not sure if you have to provide your own tea bags? And what about those ones with string attached? Do they count? Blurgle-blum-biddledum-boddle….
Pills…left-hand pocket…quick…too late...I am a tea pot.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Credit where credit's due...I have to say that find myself quite impressed with the council's website. Power to our Lord Lankaster's mighty elbow. I shall check in frequently and look forward to rich pickings...
# posted by Lawn Greengrass : 11:49 AM
And so farewell IDS
now you’ve gone
and left a mess
and you’ll never have the key to Downing Street.
Just slip away and softly fade
remove the knife from your shoulder blades
‘cause you’ll never have the key to Downing Street.
So take your leave
get on your bike
you William Hague look-a-like
Just know you’ll never have the key to Downing Street.
# posted by Lawn Greengrass : 11:49 AM
And so farewell IDS
now you’ve gone
and left a mess
and you’ll never have the key to Downing Street.
Just slip away and softly fade
remove the knife from your shoulder blades
‘cause you’ll never have the key to Downing Street.
So take your leave
get on your bike
you William Hague look-a-like
Just know you’ll never have the key to Downing Street.
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