AGINCOURT II. The Sequel

I promise you hand on heart that I’ve been looking around desperately for something positive to write about. I’m fed up with all the doom and gloom. Unfortunately these days it’s becoming more and more of an impossible task to find good news. Stratford and surrounding areas (e.g. the whole country) appear to be locked in an ongoing battle with the forces of darkness.
In a desperate effort to find something, anything, to make me smile I read The Herald (I wish no other Herald blah blah blah blah blah) from cover to cover. Twice. Nothing. Not even the combined monikers of le Vack and Witts raised a titter. God forbid that the sparkle should fade from even those hallowed pages.

Oh well, in for a penny…and in keeping with the dark mood…

I was shocked and horrified to read that violent crime across leafy Warwickshire has risen by 49 percent in the first six months of this year. Now, when I was at school, maths and especially percentages were a long way down the importance ladder but correct me if I’m wrong but 49 percent? That’s nearly half isn’t it? 49 percent? Stone me. In six months? What the hell’s going on I ask myself? I ought to underline the fact that the violence we’re talking about here is the real stuff and not the usual turnip throwing and cudgel prodding that goes on in Stratford Town Centre as a matter of course.
Lets have a look at some figures…
Robberies 238, Public disorder (Mother!) and violence in public places 3,698 incidents. Of which 11.6 percent were GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm or more serious). Surely some mistake? These must be the figures for the Bronx? And then…and then as if to underline these dreadful facts and figures a report on a particularly disgusting act of mass hooliganism last weekend and outside of all places Bill’s Birthplace in Henley Street…French and English fight in Street (under Local News).

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Mission Statement.

‘The force’s focus is on catching more criminals and bringing them to justice….’
Assistant Chief Constable Bob Golding.

Well that's a relief Bob. I was beginning to wonder...

STOP PRESS, HOLD THE FRONT PAGE (and all other such sayings)

UPSIDE.
As I write Stratford upon Avon Council are delivering Enormous green Wheelie Bins to all residents!
(Collapses in amazement).

DOWNSIDE.
For garden waste only.

A prayer for The Chief Executive.

Oh God...
We thank you for Our Lord Lankaster.
For his insight and wisdom in all matters recycling we give praise.
We thank him for the provision of One Large Green Wheelie Bin for garden waste only
and ask that he may see fit to provide more than one black plastic bag for the disposal of household rubbish.
We pray also that he may put the remainder of my One Thousand Pounds Council Tax to further good use.
In your mercy hear our prayer.